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| What's a Shoulda Woulda Birthday without cupcakes? |
If Max had been born on his due date he would be one year old today. How time flies! This time last year Max was still in the NICU and we had no idea that we still had another three long months ahead of us before we crossed the finish line. Now we've been home together for nine months, and it feels like it's all happened in the blink of an eye.
Max was still pretty leery of food on his actual birthday in June, so we didn't offer him any cake (we feared coughing, gagging, and vomit spewing out of his nose in front of all his party guests); so I decided to make a batch of mini cupcakes to celebrate his shoulda woulda birthday. I mean, it's not like I even need a reason for cupcakes, but I was looking forward to seeing what Max might do with it.
As with the majority of his food, he mostly just played in it. I didn't catch it on camera, but he did eventually have a taste. He seemed pretty neutral about it. Perhaps one day he will share my fervor for cupcakes.
Since we've been home and getting out and about, people naturally stop and make conversation when you have a baby that's staring people down and excitedly yelling at them (in a completely friendly fashion of course). Whenever people would ask how old Max was, I'd choose one of two options:
1) Tell them his actual age, and inevitably have to explain that he's so little because he's really like a baby three months younger and he was born early, and have a conversation much longer than I care to with a complete stranger.
2) Tell them his adjusted age, smile, and carry on my way.
I usually went with option two.
Now that Max is one year adjusted, I can just say "He's one," and carry on. It's just one of those things you think about when you have a preemie.
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| I'm this many! |
After our miserable July, August shaped up to be a pretty great month. Max's reflux is in check, he's keeping most of his food down and as a result he packed on more than a pound in a little over a month which takes him to a whopping 15lbs 12oz. After two months with essentially no gain, this is awesome! Sure, he's still little for a one year old, but he's growing on a nice curve and his doctors are happy with his progress. In another pound, or so, we'll all be embarking on a new adventure. A scary, exciting, hopefully game-changing adventure.
We 're forever grateful for the advances in medical science that not only have given us a living, thriving baby, but for the ability to have him home with us while being unable to eat. We're grateful for this little hunk of plastic, threaded through our baby's stomach, that allows us to nourish his body and help him to grow. But we're ready to move on. Max is ready to move on. He just doesn't know it yet.
Since Max was born and began to get tiny amounts of breast milk through a tube to his tummy, he's always been fed on a schedule. Because he's fed on a schedule, he's never been hungry. Without hunger, he has no motivation to eat. Sure, you and I can eat without being hungry. We can eat because we're bored, because we're sad, because we're happy, because we got a craving for something we saw on television; but we know how awesome food is, and we have long ago made the connection that food satisfies our hunger. Max hasn't been allowed to make this connection. He doesn't understand that this stuff I put on his high chair tray three or four times a day is meant to satisfy a feeling he's never had. Food serves no purpose for him, except as a flavourful plaything. So, to help him understand, we have to let him feel hunger.
Once Max reaches an acceptable weight, we are going to embark on a hunger-based weaning program. We will slowly be removing the number of meals he gets through his tube. Doing this will leave large gaps in his day between meals where he isn't being giving any calories, which will hopefully leave him feeling hungry. This new sensation will then hopefully awaken his hard-wired desire to eat. It's still in there somewhere, we just have to coax it out. Once Max starts to feed himself and pick up some of the slack, calorie-wise, we'll continue to reduce his tube feeds. While we're doing this we'll continue to keep him hydrated with his tube, and hopefully comfortable. We have to walk the fine balance between letting Max be so hungry that he becomes brave enough to eat, chew, swallow and go back for more, and letting him become so hungry that he starts to melt down and feel unwell.
Every fiber of my being, as a parent, says "feed your child!" It's going to be difficult to stand back and wait, watch, and let him figure this whole eating thing out. In preparation for the wean, we're allowing Max to have complete control over his meal times. We no longer try to feed him (not that he allows us anyway), and instead give him a wide variety of foods to touch, taste and explore. The push towards autonomy addresses the psychological aspect of the weaning process. Max needs to be in control of what's going in his mouth - much like anyone would want to be. He is becoming more comfortable and adventurous with food, and has become accustomed to at-the-table meal times being a part of his day. This will hopefully set the stage for a successful wean.
We're pretty nervous, and trying to be optimistic and realistic about the process. There are no promises that it will go smoothly, be easy, or happen without some tears (ours) - but we're very hopeful that by Max's second birthday, he'll be enjoying a giant cupcake with his name on it.
