Since Max's arrival a year ago, it seems as though June will be both a busy and reminiscent month for us.
32 years ago today (sorry, dear) Rafael was welcomed into this world on his mother's birthday. I guess Max just thought he'd be a great present for Dad's big day (although a little early). Our world was very different just a year ago, and looking back at the "Rafael's Birthday" post from last year, I am reminded just how far we've come and just how much we've grown and been strengthened by our journey together as a family.
Last year the span between Rafael's birthday on the 15th and Father's Day on the 20th was the most nerve racking, white-knuckled, gut wrenching time time we would spend in our 6 month roller coaster ride in the NICU.
We were given the news on Rafael's birthday that Max would be having the PDA ligation that had been discussed as plan B should the medication intended to close the PDA (patent ductus arteriosus) not work. It was pretty terrible news to get on your birthday. Finding out that your 11 day old micro preemie was about to have heart surgery wouldn't have been a treat on a good day of course.
I held Max for the very first time the day before - 10 days after he was born. In retrospect, I realize that the nurse, hearing of the possible surgery, insisted on getting Max out for his first cuddle for good reason. We just didn't know what the outcome of that surgery might be. It pains my heart to think of that now. I am grateful to have been blissfully unaware of what that week would bring. The PDA ligation is the most common surgery performed on preemies and the NICU staff were all very reassuring and confident. Outcomes were promising and babies usually did very well once recovered from surgery. Once the heart is fixed, the lungs can follow. We were looking forward to getting things rolling and getting him fixed up if that's what was necessary.
Surgery was performed two days later. We sat in an empty room in the NICU, staring at the clock. I don't remember what we talked about while we waited, if we talked at all. When we were finally able to see Max - splayed out on his belly, drugged into a still sleep, stable - we exhaled a sigh of relief. We stayed for awhile, staring at his tiny body, and eventually left to let him rest and recuperate, and for us to do the same. We returned later that evening and Max was doing well. His x-ray even showed a small improvement in his lungs. We were hopeful.
The next day, our visit to the NICU was met with much different news. Max's blood pressure had plummeted, he was in a critical post-operative state and was flirting with renal failure. He had six med pumps hooked up and flowing into his tiny veins to try to stabilize his blood pressure, control his pain, and deliver him liquids and nutrients. Rafael managed to muster the question I was too afraid to ask. The doctors weren't able to tell us if we'd get to bring our baby home. We were scared. I remember going home that night and laying in bed, unable to sleep. We both lay there in silence, getting up every two hours to call the NICU. I remember breaking down and sobbing in the shower, and the deep, guttural pain of not knowing. I don't remember much else.
The next few days were a slow climb out of a dark hole. Max, as he continued to do, mustered more strength than we both had combined and rallied on. His blood pressure stabilized, his kidneys started working again, and his lungs slowly cleared. But, you know how the story goes.
We've both been marveling lately at the difference a year makes and how grateful we are to have Max in our lives. We love being a family and watching Max grow, and change and become this wonderful little person that astounds us with his strength, joy, and boundless love. Max was certainly a wonderful birthday present for Rafael, but I'm sure the celebration this year was much sweeter.
As I sit here listening to Max breathing on the other side of the baby monitor, Rafael is out enjoying a celebratory drink - exactly how one should be spending their birthday. To my wonderful husband, and the fantastic father of our beautiful boy - Happy Birthday.
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